i have a few personal problems as many of you know by now.

simple things that "normal" people have, such as a fear of spiders, a need for a companion both emotional and physical, and other such things

i also have not-so-common problems... i talk to objects... no, not just animals and my computer... i talk to my dishes... yell at them mostly lol, i talk to my giant teddy bear pillow... i even talk to Damien and Gabriel on occasion... and they're the characters i made for my story... i feel like i'm being watched, electronics go nuts around me when i'm feeling too stressed or pissed and i've even blown out a lightbulb or two... this would be awesome if i could control it, but of course seeing as i'm human i can't without resorting to witchcraft, and enough of my relatives already play with that shit...

the one thing bothering me the most right now though? i wake up from the same dream i've been having for years. There is a little black haired green eyed boy around 2 years old who runs up to me screaming happily "Mommy! Mommy!" and gives me the biggest hug I've ever gotten... I hug him right back and pick him up, cradling his tiny form in my arms... when i wake up i burst into tears because even though i know it's just a dream, my son is not there when i open my eyes... i've NEVER wanted ANYTHING more in my life than my own child...

sure, i could go out right now and fuck any of about 4 guys off the top of my head and be pregnant by the end of the day. but not only could i not, in good conscience or be financially able at the moment, raise a baby by myself, but i also want the child to have a father. i want to have a husband to not only help support us and be a family with, but also because i'm the kind of person who doesn't do "alone" well. give me a month or two of being single and i break down three times as much, which is about half as much as "normal" girls, but still. i need companionship, i get severely depressed after long months of being single.

now here i am, sitting at my computer thinking to myself "i was engaged before... i should already be married and have my child, and most of my friends from high school either have a kid or a husband. it's tearing me up and i need to vent a bit before i explode.

wow... i sound like a whiny emo bitch... good thing we ran out of booze...